Personals
by Salome Sensei
Summary: A collection based on the premise of personal ads for diverse Inuyasha characters. Most will be humor, a few will not. So far: Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha, Kagura; and now Kikyou/Kagura up after a long absence.
1. Single Youkai Male Seeks Same No Fatties

© Salome Wilde, 2008

**Author's Note:** Originally written for LJ community iycaptions (based on art by belafantasy). Won first place! This Salome does not share Lord Sesshoumaru's offensive anti-fat bias.

**Single Youkai Male Seeks Mate (No Fatties)**

Name: Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands

Hair: Silken, moon-silver, flowing.

Eyes: Golden, shining with glory, magenta-lidded.

Body Type: Lithe, unearthily beautiful, powerful.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus. Though I am not a bull. I am a dog demon. Though some say I am stubborn. I resist this.

Favorite Color: The crimson of an enemy's blood as it flows over my poisoned claws.

Pets: One toad youkai; one mortal child.

Hobbies: Ruling my lands; slaying my foes; resurrecting young girls with my sword.

Personal Statement: The miko Kagome suggested I place this "per-so-naru-adu" to assist me in gaining concubines. I told her I have many in the Western Lands, but she seemed not to believe me. For my own purposes, I allowed her to use some magical device to capture my image in this absurd pose and in these ridiculous garments. After insisting I remove my robes (I am certain she just wished to see my unclothed splendor, and I was only too contented to oblige), she gave me the strange, overly tight hakama that would likely look better on the slayer than me, and then told me not to fasten them properly. She also affixed an absurd metal collar and chain. These made me laugh. I could break them with one hand, which I did as soon as she took the "pik-taru." Do know that these accoutrements do not belong to This Sesshoumaru, nor would I be willing to wear them for anyone else. In fact, the true reason I have taken part in this farce is to assist me in achieving the miko's submission to my will. (Successfully bedding her before my pathetic hanyou brother does is simply one more way I achieve his downfall. Otherwise, of course, I would have no interest in her whatsoever. Pitiful, disgusting human.)

**EndNote**: Longer story for Inuyasha next! Who else should I do?


	2. Single Hanyo Male Seeks Same No Pussies

© Salome Wilde, 2008

Single Hanyou Male Seeks Same (No Pussies)

**Author's Note:** Originally written for LJ Community "iycaptions." Took 3rd place! Thanks to talonsage for the superb idea for "Chapter 2."

Miroku unrolled the thick scroll hastily, breaking the seal on the silken tie with eager, nimble fingers. _Bishie Monthly_ was his absolute favorite periodical, and it was rare they were in a village large enough to find a marketplace that carried it. As soon as he saw the scroll stall, he snuck away from his companions to peruse its offerings. And this day he had been lucky: they had the current issue, with phallus-shaped seal in tact! He purchased it, hid it within his robes, and met back up with the others to head out of town in the direction of the jewel shard that Kagome had suddenly sensed.

Now they were camped for the night, and Miroku's nervous excitement kept him awake until all the others had fallen asleep. True, Inuyasha might be awake up there in the tree, but he was facing away, and he'd have no interest in some "musty old scroll" Miroku might be reading—however fresh and new and full of hotness it was!

He quickly perused a few articles on the latest in fundoshi styles for Today's Bi-Shonen Playboy and on Lustrous Hair Secrets (the latter of which he found painful in its reminder that his hair would simply not grow long and thick like his hanyou companion), when who should he find peering over his shoulder but Sesshoumaru.

"This Sesshoumaru uses spring water and almond oil to condition the roots," he murmured in the monk's ear, a poisoned claw tip at his jugular. "Now stop pretending you're reading and unroll to the personals."

Miroku sighed and obeyed. How the hell did that damned youkai always know the minute he got a new issue? And why the hell couldn't he get his own copy? It was true, of course, they both loved the personals section, looking at the artists' renderings of those hunky bishies, in various states of undress, promising far more than they could ever actually live up to. Though, Miroku reminded himself as he felt the bulge in his robe rise and felt Sesshoumaru's hot breath on his neck, some youkai had such staying power….

Unrolled to the bottom quarter of the long document, the monk and his elegant fellow ogler scanned it hungrily, taking in everything from burly bear youkai to lithe neko male. And then, the bottom edge unfurled, they saw the unthinkable.

"Is that…?" asked Miroku in a hushed voice.

"The bastard!" snapped Sesshoumaru.

"But…but…" the monk stammered.

The pompous inuyoukai babe sneered, and drawled, "Why not? We both know perfectly well that my brother is both fickle and…shall we say…'omnivorous' in his desires."

Miroku huffed and tossed the scroll over his shoulder into Sesshoumaru's hands. "Just _read_ it," he snapped, now pouting.

Before getting to the words, Sesshoumaru could not resist gazing a bit at the skillful yet strange drawing of his worthless yet beautiful brother. The pose was provocative in a way Inuyasha never was…at least not when he gave himself to Sesshoumaru. The come-hither gleam, that flat-muscled, lean chest, those ample biceps, those abs: damn, the boy was mouth-watering. He moved to read the caption beneath the image:

"SINGLE HANYOU MALE SEEKS SAME (NO PUSSIES)."

And he saw red.

Miroku laughed now, having watched Sesshoumaru read it and react with such obvious anger in his eyes. The proud Lord did not often let his emotions show (though there were a few notable and highly memorable exceptions, the monk recalled with fondness and a tingling in his behind). But he was telegraphing them plainly now. And, in truth, Miroku felt similarly; he was grateful for Sesshoumaru's reaction, for it allowed him to get control of himself.

"That wretch! He has the attentions of his full-blood youkai brother—firstborn of the incomparable Inu no Taisho—and yet he seeks to couple with a tainted half-caste like himself?"

"To hell with you," moaned Miroku, "I thought we had something _real_."

"Well, how do you think I feel?" piped up Kagome in a shrill whine, suddenly appearing out of the bushes. "Apparently, I don't match up in species _or_ gender!"

A voice suddenly boomed forth with a rustling of leaves in a high-up tree branch: "Keh! Why don't you all shut the hell up and go back to sleep or I won't have the energy to fuck _any _of you tomorrow!"

The three fell silent, and Inuyasha closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep with a smile on his greedy face.

…

_Don't Miss Chapter 2: "Naraku Responds to a Personal Ad"_


	3. Heartless Soulless Demonspawn Seeks Same

Salome, 11/08

Author's Note: Originally written for LJ Comm "iycaptions" - came in 3rd :)

Heartless, Soulless Demonspawn Seeks Same (No Hanyou)

**FeudalMatch-com Personal Information Form**

****

Please answer all questions honestly and thoroughly to help us find your perfect match!

**Name:** Kagura

**Occupation:** Wind Sorceress and Evil Vassal

**Age:** Prefer Not to Tell  
**_Comment:_** Sorry, the form won't accept "1" as an answer.

**Eyes:** Cherry Red

**Hair:** Black as Death (but shinier)

**Sexual Preference**: Heterosexual  
**_Comment:_** Actually, I think I'm "bi-curious" or maybe "socially bi," but no one's ever gotten close enough to touch me without death or disfigurement. Willing to experiment. Will you be the one?

**Body Modification:** Earrings and a spider-shaped scar covering most of my back

**Hobbies:** Fan display, kimono layering, floating off on a giant feather

**Family Background:** Well, my "father" is hanyou, composed of a thousand lesser demons and one pathetic human wretch. I don't have a mother. I do have a ghostlike, mirror-obsessed sister and a bunch of other now-dead siblings of various monstrous sorts. Oh, and I guess you could call the shard-controlled zombie slayer boy that I'm responsible for the family "pet." I know I sound like a freak, but I'm really just misunderstood. *smile*

**Pet Peeves:** Stinky baboon pelts, tentacles, and jokes about "passing wind" and "_blow_ jobs"

**My Perfect Match Would Be:** A strong, handsome youkai who can defend himself and is very good at finding hidden things. Would settle for a quick battle and a good hard romp.


	4. Dear Lost Soul

Author's Note: I haven't added to this little group in such a long time. A "Kikyou/Kagura" prompt and Talon's "ooh do a personal's ad" suggestion led me here, to this not-so-cracky, bittersweet entry.

Dear Lost Soul

Kikyou scanned the screen, biting her lip. How long would she remain alone, rejected, longing for affection even as she knew herself unworthy of it. Who would want a soulless creature like her? Who ever had? From her first short life and death followed by resurrection at the hands of an ill-intended witch to the present, she had been reincarnated over and over. Now she found herself thrown into a strange, modern world of technology and greed, with her memory of past lives painfully in tact.

She struggled against dismay. Like the millions who joined computer dating sites, so did Kikyou, doubting success but fearing resignation to another lifetime alone. Daily, she returned to the webpage, hoping that this day she would find a match, some unique being who could appreciate her as she was, for who she was…and even for who and what she was not.

Perhaps maybe today the fates would be kind, though they had never been. She clicked her inbox and held her breath as she read the single message that awaited her.

_Dear Lost Soul,_

_I read your ad with great interest, and I answer it with pleasure. Loneliness plagues all who have dared to love and lost, but even moreso those, like us, who have had even the chance for love taken from us by power beyond our control. It is easy to read between the lines of your ad and fill them with my own similar story. We have both spent more than one lifetime in search of love, have we not, Kikyou? Let this be the life we thwart the gods and claim our happiness._

_Heartless Whore_

Kikyou expelled her breath in a rush, mouthing "Kagura" with a fragile smile. Her fingers could not type a reply fast enough. Let it be.


End file.
